Miss Sow USA 2013

Ladies and gentleman, welcome to the first annual Miss Sow USA Pageant...where pregnant sows put their best snouts forward in a fierce competition of (subjective) beauty, brains, and talent. 

Okay actually, the judging is more centered around mud bathing, stubbornness, and gestational capabilities...

But nonetheless, hang on for a nail biter, people.  Pregnancy brings out the competitive side of these mommas, to be sure.

First up, allow me to introduce a couple of the front-runners of the pageant:
Miss Texas enjoys spending her downtime sipping sweet tea, reading historical fiction, and working on her perfect posture...all while oinking in her thick Texas drawl, of course.  She's most likely the shoo-in leader of the swimsuit portion of the competition...as evidenced with those killer gams!

Miss Nebraska comes to us with pristine, fair skin for which she says she'll never divulge the secrets of her skin care regiment.  I have a feeling it has something to do with her clean diet...or maybe just that pregnant glow.


One of the underdogs, ahem, underpigs coming in to the pageant is Miss Mississippi.  Where she may fall short in looks, she makes up for in the mud portion of the competition...


Yeah, I'd say she pretty much has that one in the bag with her "secret mud strategy".  Also, it's important to note that during her interviews, she said that when she's not in pageant-shape, she prefers to treat herself with Mississippi Mud Cake and turkey bacon.
Most admirable tastes, indeed.

While in their dressing rooms pre-pageant, the sows like to mingle with their fellow contestants....

But with all pageantry, sometimes sow drama and back-biting ensues, forcing contestants to feel left out and made fun of...such is the case with pretty Miss Florida here.

I've heard she plays dirty though, so I'm confident she'll get her revenge on stage. Watch out, Miss Texas...Florida's got her beady eyes on you!

Over in the holding pin as the sows prep for the mud-portion of the pageant, I'm starting to see a trend here...


What is this?!?  It seems as if the other contestants have stolen Miss Mississippi's strategy of layering her mud.  This rather unfair change of events has blown the competition wide open for any sow now to take the title of Miss Mud!

Whoa, the judges sure didn't see that coming!

Miss Arizona and Miss Iowa looking smug, congratulating themselves on evening out the {mud} playing field with their manipulative scheming. <insert evil laugh>

I'm fairly certain the judges will deduct points for un-swine-like behavior from those two misses.  Tsk, tsk.  Moving on to the talent portion of the competition...

Um, excuse me Mrs. ma'am lady Momma ma'am?....um, I think Miss New Hampshire and Miss Utah are in labor...oh and Miss Oklahoma too.  You might want to send some humans to the dressing rooms, stat.
Uh-oh....I think my water just broke, too!!!!  OIIIIIIIINK!!!!



Well folks, due to some unforeseen birthing circumstances, I guess the pageant is on hold for now.  The sows would probably prefer doing the evening gown competition in their svelte post-baby bodies anyway.  I guess it's for the best...

And, it allows a bit more time for placing bets.  My money is all on Miss Florida...she's got the best chance to parlay this win into Miss Sow Universe later this year...especially with her striking beauty and large birthing hips.

And besides, I never bet against a hog who's out for revenge.


 photo Signature_zpsd3364ae4.png





1 comment:

LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...